Mrs. Gilliland

Who comes first?

2011-02-21T18:34:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to my friends and family, some of whom may not always receive the best of me.

Sometimes, and I know this may be hard to believe, but sometimes, I have a difficult time saying no. Or more times than not, I offer things that I don't necessarily have because I don't like to see people in need. Or perhaps I've been through similar experiences myself and I don't like to see people go through the same things alone. (Also, I am terrible about asking for help, or even accepting help from others. It's sick.) And most of what I'm talking about is centered around my time. Have you met my two needy children? Just thinking about what my house looks like since Ethan has been born makes my blood pressure go up a little. Whining is not part of my normal routine, so I'll spare you the exact details of life with a special needs child, but if you don't have one, you really can't comprehend it. I can't even describe how much time is invested in preparing for their day to day life, their future, or even their long term future. We have to read books about five, ten, and fifteen years down the road all while they're toddlers. I'm not kidding. Anyway, enough of that, that isn't what I'm talking about tonight.

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes I over extend myself greatly and to the detriment of my friends and most importantly, to my family. Nobody asks me to do some of the silly things that I do that absorb so much of my time. These time suckers have to go! I had a terrible moment of weakness today and I just snapped, and honestly, it wasn't at all about the person, but 100% about myself. Dumb things that you say out of the moment just aren't worth saying. Who feels better in the end? No one. I was a dumb friend and I felt so horrible that I burned dinner (and I never burn food!), and I wanted to shrivel up in a hole and die.

After a few hours and I still felt awful, it occurred to me that I spent more time feeling awful about what I said to a friend than I've ever felt after I've said something awful to my husband. Really. This epiphany really has changed my life. Sometimes it doesn't take much time to really change your perspective on things. I probably say five mean-ish things to him a day (and most of this is just sarcastic stuff, but really that's just being mean in a somewhat funny way) and don't spend a minute feeling remorse for it. Now, don't misunderstand me, it isn't as if I'm deliberately saying mean things to him. It's how I speak to him on a normal basis that concerns me the most. And most of that is because I'm overextended! What's left for my family after all my obligations are completed? And if I'm honest, half of them are never completed, which makes me crazier and crazier.

So, dear friends and family, if I must decline an invitation, or a helping hand, just know that it isn't personal and I'm not being hateful. :)

My family comes first from here on out. My family.

Dirt

2011-01-02T19:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I really miss living at home. Well, if I am truthful, I always miss living at home. I miss the way the dirt smells. It doesn't smell like salt. I tire of smelling salt water. No, this isn't a metaphor. I really do miss the actual smell of Georgia dirt. Maybe I can get some shipped here. And I miss the simplicity of dirt life.

Passing by

2010-11-01T17:33:00.000-07:00

So sometimes I feel like my life is just passing me by. It is as if I have blinked and there went the entire Summer. I know we moved somewhere in there. Wait, I think that was actually Fall when we did that. I am so tired of being in survival mode. I am siting here typing this while I am waiting for Benjamin to fall asleep. Thank God for my iPhone. Sometimes I seriously think that I would fall off the planet without it and there are times when I wonder if anyone besides my family would really notice. I don't really mean that of course. I am just tired of being tired. I miss my old house. Or what I really miss is my routine that I associate with my old house. Bp misses his awesome swingset. I miss watching him play on it. I miss being outside. I feel like we are always on the go, always in the car, or always "just waiting for the baby to wake up, go to sleep, etc" so we can have fun. Thank God Bp loves Ethan because otherwise I think he just might hate him simply because of how much has changed in his life since E has been born. And thank God that he is a happy baby! I know that this will pass, and again, all I am saying is that I am tired of being in survival mode. I miss my life, my husband, and time!

unconditional love

2010-09-08T07:36:00.000-07:00

Wouldn't it be awesome if we could love ourselves and other people as innocently as children love? Children love their toys with their whole heart. They don't care if their toys are scratched, messy, or torn. When I say that I have the sweetest child on Earth, I'm not biased at all because it's the truth. No really, let me give you an example:

We went to Michael's yesterday and I looked pretty horrible. My hair hadn't been washed in days, but I didn't have the time to wash it before we went. Ethan had just eaten, so we had to go ahead and run out there and do a few errands so I'd make it back home before it was time for him to eat again. Or so I thought. We were getting ready to check out and he just started screaming, which is really unusual for him. The place was packed and the lines were long. (No idea why everybody in Hampton Roads decided to go to Michael's on a Tuesday morning.) So of course everybody starts looking at us and Benjamin starts laughing, which is really unusual for him. He puts his hands on either side of my cheeks and gives me a kiss and says "Mommy, you're beautiful." I kid you not, this is what he does.

He still thinks that I'm beautiful with dirty hair, spit up on my shirt, and pants that are a little too tight in the seat.

Solidifying my size

2010-09-08T07:24:00.000-07:00

So I really do want to lose this weird stomach shelf thing I have going on. I have been talking about it for weeks now, but really, I'm serious this time. I am going to have to buy all new pants this winter if I don't lose at least 5 pounds. And don't give me the whole "you had a baby" excuse. I left the hospital weighing less than I did the day that I found out I was pregnant. I don't have a baby excuse. Well, I do have a surgery excuse as to why my lower stomach looks so weird, but not for the rest of me. I didn't have surgery EVERYWHERE. Maybe it was all those oreos this summer that did me in... or maybe it's this sugar cookie and tea that I'm having for breakfast today. Something has to give though because nothing fits me and I refuse and I mean that I flat out refuse to get a bigger size. I've never been bigger than the size I am now. Never ever ever. Getting older sucks. But on the upside, I am eating more salad now and Benjamin loves salad. It's hilarious. We went to chickfila yesterday and I ordered a salad for me and some fries for him and he only wanted my lettuce. He about ate all the lettuce in the salad, which left me with cheese and chicken. So I ate his fries.

Life

2010-08-24T11:08:00.000-07:00

I really have lots of interesting things to say, but I don't have time to post them. Okay, I should say that I don't have the energy to post them. Today is a particularly sleepy day. Up at 4am yesterday, up at 5am today. Please don't everybody be jealous of my schedule.

Funny breakfast story

2010-07-23T08:10:00.001-07:00

The day after I delivered Ethan, I was waiting on the doctors to come and do their rounds. They usually arrived bright and early at 5am, but for some reason they were late that morning. The NICU was closed from 6:30-7:30 and then again from 9-12, so if you missed the window of time in the morning, you had to wait until the afternoon to go and visit. (They would let you drop milk off though if you were pumping.) So being the day after surgery, my doctor definitely needed to see me, so I was basically stuck in my room. He didn't get there until after the window of opportunity to see Ethan closed for the morning, so I was feeling pretty bummed out... so I called and ordered breakfast for the morning and apparently I attempted to make the hospital cafeteria broke as they told me that I couldn't order two different meats, and I just busted out crying on the phone and said fine and that I didn't want anything then. So I just laid there feeling sorry for myself for a hundred reasons- some completely irrational, but I HAD just been through surgery and a baby that I had barely seen, plus a miserable pregnancy, and etc. I heard the breakfast cart rolling through the ward, which only made me more miserable because I was starving and I knew nothing was coming for me... but then I heard a knock at the door and someone walked in with a tray. I was a bit confused considering I told the lady that I didn't want anything, but I figured hey, whatever, I'm hungry. The nice man sat it down on the table and I almost died from laughing because they seriously brought me every single item on the menu. Hilarious. I guess crying on the phone to strangers gets you places in the hospital.

Pregnancy.

2010-07-06T05:57:00.000-07:00

So I'm glad THAT is over. I can say with every part of my being that I dislike being pregnant. I dislike the unknowing if your child is really doing okay inside; I dislike gaining 100 lbs; I dislike not being able to do the things that I normally do... and etc. Now in reality I did not gain 100 lbs, but not being able to cut the grass and stand on ladders really did annoy me a little bit. I suppose that I don't like limitations with my body and pregnancy does inhibit your activities.

But the thought of not having more children does make me sad. And it's not that I physically can't have more children, but rather that I should probably refrain. There are conflicting studies about long-term maternal side affects of ICP. Most studies show that there is some risk of liver damage, however minimal... and having to go through that again with two children seems much too overwhelming right now. Of course it was only for about two months that I was absolutely miserable...

Welcome Ethan Patrick!

2010-06-28T12:31:00.001-07:00

Ethan was born on June 16th. Visit his blog at http://www.ethanpatricksmamma.blogspot.com

I promise to post more when I can!

Baby Baby Gilliland

2010-06-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

So I am not intentionally trying to keep anyone out of the loop with the baby. I really didn't think it would generate so much speculation or concern to be honest! I do in fact have to deliver early and I am ECSTATIC about that news. I know most pregnant women are happy to deliver early, but I am especially happy because it means the end to being itchy and miserable. Of course I want the baby to be healthy, but even if I delivered today at 35 weeks, the chances of the baby having serious complications are pretty small. So I'll explain the condition and then you'll all be informed and not feel out of the loop. :)

Intrahepatic Cholestatis of Pregnancy (Obstetric Cholestatis): a rare liver condition that is brought on by pregnancy. Yes, I had it with Benjamin, but it was diagnosed super late and I was allowed to carry him to term (plus two days to be exact). The risks are somewhat nonexistent for me, but the risk for the baby could be fatal. This is obviously the reason why the doctors deliver as soon as the risk for respiratory distress diminishes, which is usually 37 weeks. If they suspect any other distress from the baby, they deliver immediately regardless of number of weeks gestation. The classic symptoms are severe itching of the palms and soles of the feet. It eventually spreads to itching all over and can be quite debilitating for some people. It was once believed that removing the gallbladder reduced the risk of recurrence with subsequent pregnancies, but this has obviously been debunked in my situation. (Although I would have had the surgery anyway because gallstones are horrible.)

This time around has been a little easier for me. Becoming a human pin cushion has not been fun, but that is the only way they can see how your liver is functioning. My liver enzymes are about ten times greater than normal and the bile salts are above normal, but under the limit in which distress from babies has been noted. I was prescribed medication that lowers or stunts bile acid accumulation (which is what makes you itch!), and my level is now considered non-emergent. They still want to deliver early because the bile acid level can triple in a matter of days. The condition is actually so rare that only two labs in the country are equipped to test the blood and it takes about three days to obtain results.

Okay, so that's it. The baby will be okay and I should be fine a couple of days after delivery. It will be odd having such a small baby though. :)

even more official

2010-06-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

So I saw a high risk OB doctor and I am delivering around 36 to 37 weeks. Sheesh! I had a feeling this would happen. The doctor said that I was too calm to have received such bad news. I suppose sitting around the fretting about it would make it better? lol... anyway, so I'm going to be a busy bee here for the next couple of weeks. No, wait, make that months. :)

And we are still uncertain about names, but we're working on it.

Round two

2010-05-29T02:46:00.000-07:00

So it's back. Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy. There are a few websites, but the best one is www.itchymoms.com. I had some blood work done on Wednesday and the doctor called yesterday and advised me to go to the hospital to get more testing. Awesome. I was so miserable the last six weeks when I was pregnant with Benjamin that it is a relief this time to actually have a doctor listen to me and know that I'm not going crazy. I must admit that I feel a bit robbed of the pleasures of pregnancy and childbirth because of what happened with Benjamin. Hopefully this time will be better- if nothing else, I will be more prepared for the disappointment than I was last time. Of course, nothing can be worse than having to labor 31 hours and still end up with a c-section... thousands of miles from home. So I'm going in this morning to see what they have to say...

card making

2010-05-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

Ninety degrees outside yesterday. Sheesh, that is hot for this big old belly. The bigger I get, the more my body tells me to ssssssssssssssssslow down, which is actually quite difficult for me to do, but I am trying. My thoughts of doing more work during the day was rather counter-productive when I was absolutely miserable by 5pm, so I'm learning to take it easier. So on this hot, hot day, Benjamin and I took a trip over to Michael's and bought some card making supplies and made some cards together. He pretty much just sat there and played with the glue stick, but hey, he was content and was very cute trying to smell the fake flowers. I've never made cards before and found that it was much like scrapbooking... which I've never done before either. Main reason for that is time constraint and the fact that we seldom print out pictures. I thought that they all turned out adorable, but this craft is definitely not a cheap alternative to buying cards. Actually, I find that most crafts aren't cheaper than purchasing the item, but I like to pretend that I can craft. I pretty much can half-do any craft out there. Not near good enough to sell, but good enough to make me happy while doing it.

They all follow the same theme because it was just easier for me since it was my first batch of them. And besides, they are all going to different people and I doubt these people are going to have a little party comparing my thank you cards to each other. :)

You're going to do great things, I already know.

2010-05-15T01:22:00.000-07:00

So it's 3am and I'm awake. Pregnant people are frequently awake in the middle of the night towards the end. I think it's God's way to preparing of us for the inevitable sleep deprivation that will incur in the weeks (aka years) after the baby is born. I was laying in bed and I looked at the clock and it was 3:02 and I thought of the song "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets. And yes, I totally had to google the band name. I've never been great with remembering band names. This song isn't intended to be a song to your unborn child, but when you're pregnant, everything is about your unborn child or your children. That's just the way it works with all the crazy hormones going on in your body. I got weepy over a dead baby bird in the backyard just two days ago. (It really was sad though.) So here are some the lyrics:

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

I think my favorite verse is "you're going to do great things, I already know". Totally true. You never really know how much you can love an individual until you have your own children. The same can be said about how much you were loved yourselves until you have your own children.

Baby-Baby Gilliland

2010-05-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

So this not knowing business is getting a bit old. Warren says it's the most exciting thing he's ever been though (which I think is just adorable), but it is making me a little bit nervous. Anxious maybe. Nervous is a bit too strong. Maybe if we could just come up with a name for a girl and a name for a boy I'd be more content. Actually, I can narrow that down even further- just ONE name for either a girl or a boy would be great. Having to come up with two names at once is proving to be too hard. My mind starts to wander here and there when I start to sit and think about it. I've looked at books. I laughed at people who looked at baby name books when I was pregnant with Benjamin. I kept thinking don't people just know what they want to name their child? I mean really. And now I am one of them. Oh well, I'll keep reading. Surely we can agree on a name before I have to be sedated. Thaddeus is starting to sound good these days.

Smiling, finally.

2010-04-04T12:26:00.000-07:00

This being Easter weekend, I thought this post would be truly appropriate. This post is primarily meant for facebook since everybody knows that if it's not posted on fb, it's doesn't mean anything. haha.

I am blessed with optimism. Most situations in my life really are viewed as half-full. I can't say with all certainty that I've always been this optimistic, but I can't recall a time in my life where I've consistently viewed things as half-empty. Having known several people the complete opposite, I view this attitude as a blessing indeed. Maybe there is a verse for optimism that someone would like to share on here.

Having said above statement, I will be honest and say that I have not been completely thankful or optimistic for this pregnancy. This might come as a shock to some of you, and maybe not so much of a shock to others. Today being Easter, the church was packed full of people singing "Hosanna" by Hillsong. I've heard this song probably 200 times in all seriousness, but the lyric "show me how to love like you have loved me" struck a chord in my heart today. As the rest of the congregation was singing the remainder of the song, I stood there and thought about what that lyric meant and why I was supposed to hear it and remain still in God at that moment. I am one of those people who truly believes that everything happens for a reason, so I tend to listen when I get such a calling.

This line of "show me how to love like you have loved me" is in all actuality a prayer, or in my case, a wake-up call. I have not loved this unborn child as Christ loved me. Not even remotely. I have almost been ambivalent about the whole situation. (May I just say that Warren, blessed man, has been excited for the both of us since day 1.) We weren't planning on having another child for at least a few more years, so I think most of this attitude comes from me being a tad bit upset that this happened to Benjamin. Yes, you read that right, I said to Benjamin. Part of me was upset that I wouldn't be enough for him and how could I have let this happen? I almost felt guilty for being able to get pregnant when I didn't even want it to happen.

So today at approximately 11:00am, God showed me again who was in control and that I deserve to be happy for this baby! This baby deserves a place in this family that is completely his/her own without my parenting issues hovering around it. After understanding why I was supposed to hear that verse today, I found myself smiling, finally.

Very pregnant

2010-03-16T08:49:00.000-07:00

So it seems as if I've found myself pregnant. Now of course I have known this since October, but all of a sudden I look pregnant. Strangers can now tell, so that makes it a bit more real to me. My bigger shirts are now getting to be a little too short and I only have one pair of regular pants I can comfortably wear. I feel as big as a house to be honest and this makes me chuckle because I know I am going to double in size very quickly. I was telling Warren last night that pregnancy seems short sometimes and he laughed. Like laughed out loud at that statement. Not just lol without meaning. Of course since it's real life there was no actual lol comment. :) And really what I mean by short is it seems when you get towards the end you really run out of time to get things accomplished. You don't buy much until you're about my stage or later because of the fear of miscarriage, either substantiated or not. If you get much past my stage you don't really want to shop and putting together a new stroller seems like brain surgery. I don't remember being this tired with Benjamin, but I was "only" working then and not chasing around a 3 year old. Seems like my house was quite a bit messier, too. I think being a SAHM makes me a tidier person in general. When I worked full-time I didn't seem to care if things were out of order, but it drives me a little crazy now.... and I do far more work at home than I ever did working. I remember being able to take breaks at work. Breaks that were just for me and were uninterrupted... and I remembering being able to pee uninterrupted, too. Okay, different story for a different time perhaps. :)

Anyway, so the whole point to this post was that I am showing for sure and I can feel my stance widening, so I'm sure that the waddling will start soon.

Ultrasound

2010-03-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

So the mystery of the baby's gender has been easier to deal with than I had imagined it to be. I think it is because I am simply too busy to fret about it very much. Most of you have heard me say that you get what you get, and I truly believe that in that statement. My life will go this way if we have a girl and that way if we have a boy, but life does continue to go on either way and it will most definitely change regardless if we have pink bedding or blue bedding. We truly will be blessed either way and it has been fun not knowing. Maybe I will get a little more anxious towards the end, we'll see.

Warren thinks that we are having another boy, but I keep telling him that he has rather good odds considering the number of outcomes. :)

Brain atrophy

2010-02-24T13:04:00.000-08:00

Do you ever feel like your brain is slowly wasting away? As it if had atrophy? Sometimes I truly believe this is happening to me. Really! I can recall times when I felt genuinely smarter than I do right now. My vocabulary was greater, I remembered how to spell words, and did not second guess myself on diction and sentence structure. There are people in this world (Warren) who remember most of what they learn and there are people who lose skills from not using them (me). I can be quite studious when taking classes and score rather well, but I will not remember anything that I've learned unless I use those learned skills. My sister barely pays attention in any class and still remembers everything. I'm not sure exactly how that makes any sense. Sometimes I think the theory of osmosis really works in her case because she falls asleep reading all the time.

And on to reading! I used to read all the time. Really. I know it's strange sounding now. I read the same books over and over in high school and still enjoyed them. I read the books that I was supposed to read in college and enjoyed them, too. No idea where that part of me went, but I rarely read anything for pleasure anymore. I can't even remember the last book that I read purely for pleasure. We had a game at church the other day and my question was "What is your favorite book", and the only books that popped into my head were books on autism or child-rearing for special needs children. Seriously, in what world would those be considered a favorite book? Those are mainly educational. Now I could have said the Bible, but honestly, that kind of answer seems trite in church and not really realistic. I would categorize that as more educational as well. So much of me seems absorbed by gaining information that I seem to be losing information. Does that make any sense at all? It sometimes feels like my brain just can not hold any more information, so it decides to "brain dump" bits and pieces of knowledge along the way in order to make room for more. If I could just learn to purge my brain of all useless knowledge... that would be fantastic. :)

baby bell pepper

2010-02-10T15:58:00.000-08:00

Babycenter is such a wonderful invention to mothers who already have at least one child. Before Benjamin was born, I used to paw over baby books and knew everything that was happening every week/month. It was all so interesting! It is still interesting, but I just don't have the time/energy to devote to reading about babies. Babycenter will gladly send you an email (or ten) a day if you sign up, and some of them are very informational. For instance, today I read that my baby is about the size of a bell pepper all tucked up. Isn't that adorable? Baby Bell. We haven't come up with names yet, but I think that Bella is a cute name. Too bad it's already the name of a pet in our family. I doubt that Warren would go for that sort of thing anyway for a little boy since he is determined that is what we're having. Not knowing is sort of fun, really.

It just isn't the same

2010-02-01T18:48:00.000-08:00

I find myself checking my email 8,000 times a day. 8 something or other is usually my big number. You know, the number that you say when you're stressing a point about how big something is, or how much something costs. "If that house didn't cost 8 million dollars, I'd buy it." That of course is just an example because I wouldn't even be allowed in a neighborhood that had houses of that caliber in it. Not in Virginia anyway. 8 million dollars in California gets you a very nice condo, however. They might let me at least look at the pictures of it. Anyway, so email is a nice alternative to actually speaking, but it just isn't the same.

So Benjamin and I were very spoiled in 2009 for a Navy family. Warren was home nearly every single night- actually, he was home every single night except for the month of January and even then he was only gone for four days. I wouldn't say that year was an easy year for him work-wise, but he was home at night. Maybe not home to eat dinner at a reasonable hour every night, but he was home. I find myself wanting to tell him things all day long lately. Texting is the joy of modern day technology. Got something you want to say, but doesn't warrant a telephone call? Text it! That should be my new motto in life, I think. Warren's phone will not receive texts in Haiti. Oh yeah, he's in Haiti in case you didn't already know. I find myself picking up my phone wanting to text him when I'm out taking Benjamin to school or running errands and something funny has happened. Texting is another great alternative to speaking when you have the option, but it just isn't the same.

So we sit and wait and try not to get sad because there are literally thousands of people in worse situations than what we currently have. I mean really. We have a house, we have two cars (paid for, woot woot!), and we have so much food it's probably sinful at times. It's hard not to get sad though when Benjamin looks at a picture of Warren and says, "Daddy work.". Benjamin never said that before Warren left because he just expected his Daddy to come home every night.

It just isn't the same around here.

It's over.

2010-01-18T09:09:00.000-08:00

I'm done complaining about how my house does not have a dishwasher. This is my biggest pet peeve about his house, but now it's over. And no, I'm not moving just yet.

I have a window right above my sink and it overlooks my plum tree and a big wisteria bush with a flower box surrounding it. We didn't know this house had a plum tree in the yard when chose to rent it. Actually, it has a pecan tree, a pear tree, and a plum tree. So this flower box surrounding the bush outside isn't spectacular or anything, but it will pretty much grow anything that you decide to throw in the ground. Part of the area gets full sun and part of it gets shade because of the size of the wisteria bush and the plum tree, so quite a variety of plants will thrive in this box. Of course everything is quite dismal out there right now since it is winter, but in a few weeks, this area will be rainbow of colors. About two weeks ago when it was absolutely freezing here, I looked out the window while I was washing dishes and saw a bluejay and a cardinal perched on the wisteria bush. This isn't necessarily uncommon since we do have a bird feeder nearby.

I love flowers, plums, and pretty birds- all of which I would have missed if I had dishwasher. People with dishwashers don't normally just stand in front of their windows and stare outside. The resources for finding joy in such a mundane task have been with me all along, I've just been too busy complaining to notice. So that's why I say it's over. My complaining is over. About the dish washing, at least. :)

Yes, it's true.

2009-12-31T13:05:00.000-08:00

I'm totally pregnant. Not just a little bit anymore- like almost showing belly and half a week into my second trimester. Funny that I had to look the weeks up for the trimesters considering that the first time around I was a serious expert on all things pregnancy related. I think I had my midwife online degree when I was pregnant with Benjamin. I knew exactly what week the fingernails developed and how big the baby was at all times and exactly what medicines I could take and which ones were not recommended. Now I have to look everything up because I must have misplaced those brain cells that enabled me to learn that material the first time around. I like how some books call it "Mommy fog". I think mine is equivalent to mountain fog on some days. Shenandoah mountain fog.

So if I'm completely honest with you, I must say that it's sort of hard to muster up any type of excitement over this pregnancy and the thought of having another baby. Don't misunderstand me though, it isn't as if I'm sad or depressed, so don't go calling social services on me. I think that it is mostly worry that I won't have enough hours in the day or enough time to take care of two children. And not only two children, but rather Benjamin plus a baby. Everyone says that your second baby is better than the first and it isn't as hard because you know what to expect and all that nonsense. I'm not worried for the baby, I'm more worried for Benjamin. Am I going to have enough time to take care of his needs as well as the needs for the baby? I think that everyone wants to nod and say, "Of COURSE you'll have enough time for both of them". And I know that some of you might have numerous children and none of them suffered and yadda yadda, so why would I worry? I'm not a worrisome person by nature, really. It's just that for those of you that know Benjamin and how we have given a thousand percent to him this year and how much progress he has made... and it concerns me that his progress will either stop or regress... and there will be nothing that I can do about it really. And oh, what if we have another Benjamin baby... Well, if we do, we'll be armed with more knowledge than most parents could ever dream of having. But then again, we could have a neurotypical child and then what would we do with ourselves?

Armed reminds me of armor and armor reminds me of the song that you sing in nursery school called "The Armor of God"... just thought I'd throw in that mental thought pattern because Warren is always laughing at how my brain works. The basic chorus goes "put on the armor of God, so you can stand"... you'd think that by the literal meaning of armor, you'd have a hard time standing because the weight of the armor would be holding you down... but God's armor is much lighter than the weight of the world, isn't it? I think I'll go with that one.

What are you thankful for?

2009-11-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

So here it is, Thanksgiving already. And in the spirit, I'd like to post what I've been thankful for this year and also what I'll be thankful for next year.

2009: We've had a great year as a family. Warren transferred to shore duty, so we've been able to see each other every day for almost a year. Drastic change from 2008, that's for sure! Benjamin has made great strides in his speaking and behavior, so that in itself could make for an entire post. We are thankful for every forward step that he makes. He truly is a sweet child. :)

2010: We're thankful for children and the many blessing of them!

writing and typing

2009-11-14T09:39:00.000-08:00

So here it is, middle of the month and I have yet to post any type of miracle, big or small. I have had lots of them though, I promise. Maybe I should start scribbling them down when they occur so it will enable me to remember them. Not that they are easy to forget, but rather more that I forget to type them. I so often want to use write and type interchangeably, but they are indeed two different words with completely different meanings.. but I've found that in today's society, more people type rather than write. I think it's more of a time constraint to write and you can't press backspace when you make a mistake. I'd rather people not know how many mistakes I make while my brain and hands attempt to function together. You'd be surprised how many words are left out when you type, but how your brain puts them in for you if you read fast enough. And with the whole letters out of order thing as well...

So some could say that the written word is lost and part of that statement may be true, but think of all that we're accomplishing in the saved time. Interesting to note that most of the authors that the world considers brilliant only had pens and paper. And sometimes not even pens and paper.

Little Miracle November 1

2009-11-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

So many of you know from my facebook post that Benjamin was horrible Halloween afternoon/evening. The weather didn't exactly cooperate, so we had to change his costume around to a dinosaur who lives in the tropics (hah to my friend Raven) from just a regular dinosaur who lives elsewhere. (Where did they live, anyway?) So he had green shorts and a green shirt with scales that were made out of felt and a tail that was oh so adorable... and shoe coverings that I actually took the time to sew toenails on. Okay, well, I didn't exactly sew them on, I just used stitch witchery. Still, there was an effort made. :) So I put the costume on him and he went hysterical. He wanted absolutely nothing to do with those scales and literally ripped them off his shirt. I'm pretty sure he'd have gone for the scales on the shorts, but I saved them before the complete massacre could occur. I figure somebody can wear it sometime. Maybe he'll wear it for dress up one day.

So I had to sit and breathe and try not to get upset. Meanwhile, Warren was off getting candy for him because I had forgotten that Benjamin wouldn't actually be able to eat any of the candy that was given to him. Well, unless they gave him skittles or something like that, but I didn't want to take any chances of him not being able to eat any of it. He rarely gets candy. We still had Easter skittles in the pantry that I just threw last week. It had occurred to me much later that he really did do me a favor by not wanting to go out. He was sooo excited to see all the little kids come to the door dressed up. He particularly liked the little girls dressed as fairies. I think he thought that were actual fairies and that they were coming to see him specifically...and he had the most precious smile on his face. I'm not sure that he would have enjoyed them as much if we had been out walking around. So that sweet smile made up for the dinosaur massacre.

Little Miracles

2009-10-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

So I'm thinking about doing a daily (and yes, I do know that is rather ambitious for my blogging style) post of little miracles that God shows me during the day. Now these little miracles will probably be more equated to happy moments, epiphanies, or perhaps an actual miracle. Since I'm rather new (okay, not new, but more like a "newb" as Warren says) at blogging, I'm not really sure what will happen when I update the post. Not sure if it will post a new date, but if it does, it does. You enjoy reading them anyway or you wouldn't be reading this. :)

October 30: We don't have a dishwasher, so you can frequently find me standing in the kitchen washing dishes. Interesting that I'm always washing dishes, but yet I always have dirty ones. I've had a dishwasher in my house for as long as I can remember washing dishes, so this chore can sometimes be a bit annoying for me. Benjamin loves listening to music and it does take my mind off of this boring chore, so I had some music playing in the background and "Hosanna" came on by Christy Nockels. I really love that song. So anyway, we have a window right above the sink, and as soon as the really pretty chorus started ("Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna in the highest"), I turned off the water so I could hear it better and the sun came up at that exact moment and shined right in my face. It was the sweetest thing. I really do love that window.

surprising conversations amongst strangers

2009-10-04T18:33:00.001-07:00

So we've all had a cold this week and colds make me want to eat soup. I rarely eat soup even though I really enjoy it. Warren loves soup. I think it's a yankee thing. So anyway, while in Farm Fresh on the soup aisle (Which is quite the swanky grocery store even though most people there are buying spam and hamburger helper, no idea how they really stay in business.), I happened to hear a conversation between two young girls- twenty was probably a stretch for either of them. One of the girls picked up some soup and turned it around to read the label and said, "Oh, no, this has MSG." I found it interesting that someone of that age even knew what MSG was and cared enough to try to avoid it. She was right, MSG is horrible for you.

Oh, and I do realize how Farm Fresh stays in business- $9.79 gluten free pretzels, $5.29 gluten free cereal, and $6.29 rice bread. Seriously, I think all the celiacs and those who choose to eat gf in the area are keeping them above bankruptcy.

the surgery

2009-09-20T13:28:00.001-07:00

So the whole thing went well. I had no complications during surgery and have yet to have any complications afterward. The whole thing is still somewhat surreal to me. Did I really have an organ taken out? Have I really had two surgeries in the last three years, one being a major, albeit common one? Yeah, I think I did because I have the one rather large scar and the more recent four little ones developing.

Yay for modern medicine. You got a problem and yo they solve it. hehe....

Gallbladder

2009-08-23T13:14:00.001-07:00

So who really needs one anyway? Should it be a big deal that they're going to take an organ out of me? There are a few organs that seem to be nonessential.... like your appendix... gallbladder... I've even heard of people living without their spleens. Part of me wonders what the long term affects are of removing organs. Who are we to choose which ones are important and which ones are not? How long ago was it that we thought the earth was flat? Even still, I am quite at peace with willingly giving up an organ.

John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

P.S. Awesome verse.

It's official

2009-07-21T19:24:00.000-07:00

Umm.... so yeah.... I don't normally criticize myself in such a public forum, but it's official now: I'm a bit of a chunky monkey. Okay, some of you may be rolling your eyes, but I swear that I'm only a few pounds to being in the morbidly obese category. I'm not really sure of how it happened to be honest. I think it's just a combination of small events that have added up to make a big event. Benjamin no longer requires me to stroll him for hours on end and a pound a month over a year adds up quickly. This is a big deal when you're short. Five pounds puts me in a different size clothing! I'd like those sizes to decrease rather than increase.

So I'm making myself accountable to you, dear reader.

He makes all things new

2009-04-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

I love Spring. Plants are blooming again, people are out grilling, and you can hear the happy shouts of children all over your neighborhood. Can you not help but smile when you hear a child laughing? Spring makes me happy indeed...

Warren was deployed last summer and I left to visit my family for a couple of months. During this time, HR underwent a serious drought and when I returned, my yard literally looked as if it had caught fire. Everything was black! I had to chop everything down and hope for the best this Spring. Before I left, I dug up some older plants and planted two hydrangea bushes right up front. These two sad plants crumbled to the touch when I came back home. I left them in the ground and still hoped for the best.

About three days ago, I was outside fiddling round in my yard while Benjamin napped and alas, my favorite plant had teeny tiny leaves coming from the ground. I immediately thought of this verse and the ever popular song verse, "He makes all things new". If God can bring this plant back from complete ruins of the severe drought last year, imagine what He can do in your life with regular waterings.

Revelation 21:1-8

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and the sea was no more. And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband; and I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Behold, the dwelling of God is with men. He will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself will be with them; he will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain any more, for the former things have passed away." And he who sat upon the throne said, "Behold I make all things new." Also he said, "Write this, for these words are trustworthy and true." And he said to me, "It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the fountain of the water of life without payment. He who conquers shall have this heritage, and I will be his God and he shall be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the polluted, as for murderers, fornicators, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their lot shall be in the lake that burns with fire and sulphur, which is the second death."

2009-03-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

While doing my research for gluten free foods, I stumbled upon some very interesting articles about ingredients in fast foods. I would not necessarily label myself as "granola", but I am definitely above the average mark for attempts at providing my family with healthy meals and snacks. We do have our occasional fried chicken, but I am from the South, so you are going to have to work with me on that one. :)

McDonald's: I've never been a huge of of Mcd's, but I do enjoy their steak bagels and sweet tea. (Of course, who doesn't like their tea? You'd have to be some sort of weirdo to not enjoy it. I've mentioned before that I think they put small amounts of crack in it.) Here is the general run down of their ingredient list and I'll try to not be too scientific:

The fried chicken has sodium phosphates. Yes, sodium phosphate is a foaming agent. Then they also add an ingredient which minimizes the foaming. Odd. I guess you'd have to find this ingredient hovering around the soap at the grocery store. Or Lowe's. I know, let's all go to Lowe's next time we want quality ingredients for our kids. They even have a military discount.
Several of the salads have glazes that contain an ingredient used to trap ground beetles. This ingredient is considered safe for human consumption, but not legal for use in cat food because it hasn't been declared safe just yet. Is PETA warning people not to feed their pets salads from here? I think they should seriously look in to it since it could turn in to a real problem for our feline friends.

Burger King: It's a good thing we never eat here.

The salad itself is basically okay, but the dressings contain titanium dioxide. Yes, that's the same stuff in your sunscreen. Is it particularly sunny inside a BK? Or better yet, are they really doing an experiment for the gov't on the potential affects of ingesting sunscreen and decreased sun damage? I'm doubting it.
Most of their food contains MSG and they hide it in their ingredient list by disguising it as other ingredients. Pretty typical of fast food restaurants.

Taco Bell: Warren loves this place. There is not much to be said that isn't known to the general public already. You get what you get with this place. You don't go there expecting good food. Most of their food contains MSG as well.

Wendy's:

The chili contains silicone dioxide, which is used to prevent caking. The base of this chemical is silica, which is a form of sand or powdered glass. Yummy.
Again with the salad dressings containing sunscreen and MSG.

So, to recap, if you want a little sunscreen in your diet, your best bet would be to eat some salads. Or better yet, if you want some really great sand, check out Wendy's because I hear it's simply delicious there. Oh, and the best one, if beetles are eating your roses this summer, just stop by your McDonald's and pick up a salad and just use it like mulch.

Saved by Grace

2009-03-03T12:18:00.001-08:00

This was never posted for some reason... guess I forgot to post it. :) Update: Warren is now at his new command, crappy eval in tow and no award. The lion's den was escaped though.

Warren was saved by grace... Very interesting story, actually. The whole ordeal that was hugely blown out of proportion is coming to an end next week. Warren does have to go and see his boss, but isn't as bad as it could have been. He simply gets a letter that says he made a mistake and that he should have known better. Mistakes do happen, we're all human.

The interesting part of the story involves the people sent to investigate and help Warren. The helper was actually a retired Catholic Bishop (not sure why he's retired, but nonetheless...) who trained Warren and his guys on how to operate a particular program on their ship. (And just for the record, the mistakes that happened centered around poor training to begin with.) He was there for a week and calmed Warren's nerves during this extremely stressful time. You could say that they are now "shipshape", if you want an actual nautical term. The second interesting man would be the investigator they sent over. This man was crucial in determining if Warren would be in serious trouble. Warren knew he really had to impress him with his "mad skills". (Mad skills are the equivalent of really good skills. It's slang, I know.) The day of the meeting, Warren was speaking with the new chief's mate, which is like the XO on a Navy ship and apparently he knew the investigator, so he wanted to talk with him before the investigation began. By the time he sat down with Warren, it was all basically smoothed over. This was a HUGE blessing for Warren because he was seriously sweating this interview.

2009-02-18T11:19:00.001-08:00

I'm one of those people who truly believes that given time, good prevails over evil. What exactly constitutes the difference between good and evil? Is it all perspective or is there really a line to be drawn between the two? And who really tells us?

I'm not having a debate in my mind about obvious things such as stealing or killing. Nothing that serious. Warren is having a little conundrum at work and it really makes you question why things happen. I don't necessarily believe that a good job will always equal good rewards. Warren has always performed well at work and has received the blessings of good rewards most of the time. But now, he's made a simple mistake and he's being dragged through hell and back for it. Every day seems to be worse than the day before. His ship has failed an inspection that is mostly centered around the lack of correct paperwork, and most of it was fixed in a single day. It was an honest mistake for him, and yet they are responding well over the appropriate amount of disciple required. My immediate response is not the question of "why him, why us", but more just the general question of "why".

Is it wrong of me to think of these people as evil because they do not know Warren from Adam, and yet they want to throw him into the lion's den anyway? Or really is there something else behind it? I can't help but to think that in this economy, jobs must be justified because of the lack of funds that all companies are experiencing right now. Of course Warren's job is secure, but the "evil" people that are persecuting him are civilians. Will their job be more secure if they make an example of someone else? Is that the good, the flip side of this story? Making Warren go through this demise just to save another person's job who isn't as secure... someone who probably has a family of their own to support? Is that really a good thing or an evil thing? Good for them, evil for Warren. This situation definitely depends on perspective.

I do have a calmness about the situation in that whatever happens, happens. The world will keep spinning and we'll wake up to see another day. I have no fear, honestly. I can't say the same for Warren, but I'll believe enough for the two of us right now.

Hobbies: God given or personally driven?

2009-02-09T07:12:00.000-08:00

Do you ever wonder how much of your life is actually molded by God's voice, or his direction? How much of your personal interests are given to you by God rather than you taking them for your own? How many times do we miss the mark on becoming more knowledgeable on these interests? Have you ever been in a situation where you could have helped someone immensely had you had more knowledge on the given subject? Could you have been more helpful to the elderly widow across the street if you knew the perfect recipe for brownies? I know that sounds silly, but when you know that your neighbor's birthday is right around the corner and she loves brownies, would it not be nicer to make homemade ones rather than store bought ones? And knowing this perfect recipe would be the product of time spent in your kitchen cooking for your own family and honing your skills for service later.

Or perhaps, a more masculine example. Say you've always had a liking for carpentry, but never really knew where to start. You go and buy all the right tools, and inevitably, they sit in your garage collecting dust because you are only halfheartedly taking on this hobby anyway. You watch a few t.v. shows about building things and think to yourself "Wow, that looks easy and we need one of those." (those being whatever it is they are building on t.v.) Now let's say they are building a bench and you want one of those. You buy the lumber, nails, whatever it is you need to build it. Two months later you overhear one of your friends saying that they need a bench to sit on outside since the weather is so nice and his wife is 8 months pregnant and has a hard time sitting on the ground to make beautiful landscapes with chalk with her other children. If you had made that bench of yours two months earlier, you could just give it to your friend or make another one for them.. but you choose to watch more t.v. to get your skills "just right" before starting. So you're sitting there thinking that you had good intentions of course, but that only justifies laziness in most cases.

I often wonder these things because a lot of my personal interests seem to hold more meaning than I had ever intended for them. My most recent example would be that of sign language. All of my life I have thought that I would have a deaf child and that I should learn to sign. I've had countless opportunities to learn basic sign, but I've never really taken advantage of them. When Benjamin was born, I actually thought to myself, "Well, he's not deaf, so it must be our second child and I still have time to learn". Never in my wildest dreams could I imagine that I would need to know sign language for a child that has perfect hearing.

Become masters of your own hobbies. Like to draw? Teach an art class to neighborhood preschoolers. Like to read? Volunteer to teach adults to read. Like to garden? Mow your neighbor's yard when they are on vacation. Like to fix cars? Teach your friend to change his oil. Like to cook? Find a shut in from your church and send them your leftovers. Computers? Teach your Grandmother how to send email.

Service to others does not have to be boring. Life is supposed to be fun!

My surroundings

2009-01-09T08:06:00.000-08:00

The older I get and the more I move, the more important it is to me to surround myself with people and things that I love. An outsider looking at my house would probably say it's just full of "stuff". My home is not a "show home" by any stretch of the means and is not a page in a magazine. However, so many of my possessions are irreplaceable and have meanings way beyond their face value.

An outsider would certainly realize my love for artwork because of the mass abundance of paintings hanging on the walls and scattered about the house, but would not know that my Grandmother painted most of them, thus making the paintings infinitely more valuable to me than any Monet hanging in a museum. Outsiders would see that I have an affinity for odd furniture, but would not know that the deacon's bench in the living room was handcrafted by my Grandfather, whom I adored as a child and miss as an adult; and that the ottoman perched on top of it matches the low back chair that once graced the house of my Great-Grandmother, whom I also adored as a child and miss as an adult; and that the artwork hanging above the bench is a painting of Ocean Springs, which is where Warren and I purchased our first home that was all but destroyed by Hurricane Katrina. They would notice three dime-store variety-type canisters in my kitchen filled with various beans and corn, but they would not know that these are the same canisters that my Mom used decades ago that have managed to survive countless household moves and that I regard them as precious as one of my antique china sets which individual plates value at more than $100, when the movers pack my house every three years. They would notice that the dining room has four unusual pieces of art hanging on the walls, but wouldn't know that the framed doilie was knitted by my Great-Grandmother and later framed by my Grandmother; and that the round painting of a gray house that looks almost identical to my childhood home was a wedding gift from my parents; and that the crayola scribblings displayed front and center is the handiwork of my baby sister, whom was blessed with wonderful creative abilities at a young age. They would see three stuffed teddy bears now displayed in Benjamin's room on a high shelf, but would not know that two of those bears belonged to his Mother and one belonged to his Father, and that his parents both remember the names of all three bears. I could go on and on...

I encourage you to surround yourself with things that you LOVE, not things that are simply on the clearance shelf at Pier One Imports. There are simply too many Jones' to keep up with in this world. I'm content with being a Gilliland.

New Blog

2009-01-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

So I have the other blog: Benjaminsmamma, but that is entirely centered around Benjamin... and the parenting joys and dilemmas I encounter, so I figured that I should have another blog that is centered around the rest of my life. My musings, if you will. No idea how often this blog will be updated... perhaps more than the other one, perhaps less. It's fun to read comments, so if you have something to say, don't let your inhibitions stop you. I promise to be nice most of the time. :)