unconditional love

Wouldn't it be awesome if we could love ourselves and other people as innocently as children love?  Children love their toys with their whole heart.  They don't care if their toys are scratched, messy, or torn.  When I say that I have the sweetest child on Earth, I'm not biased at all because it's the truth.  No really, let me give you an example:

We went to Michael's yesterday and I looked pretty horrible.  My hair hadn't been washed in days, but I didn't have the time to wash it before we went.  Ethan had just eaten, so we had to go ahead and run out there and do a few errands so I'd make it back home before it was time for him to eat again.  Or so I thought.  We were getting ready to check out and he just started screaming, which is really unusual for him.  The place was packed and the lines were long.  (No idea why everybody in Hampton Roads decided to go to Michael's on a Tuesday morning.)  So of course everybody starts looking at us and Benjamin starts laughing, which is really unusual for him.  He puts his hands on either side of my cheeks and gives me a kiss and says "Mommy, you're beautiful."  I kid you not, this is what he does. 

He still thinks that I'm beautiful with dirty hair, spit up on my shirt, and pants that are a little too tight in the seat. 

Solidifying my size

So I really do want to lose this weird stomach shelf thing I have going on.  I have been talking about it for weeks now, but really, I'm serious this time.  I am going to have to buy all new pants this winter if I don't lose at least 5 pounds.  And don't give me the whole "you had a baby" excuse.  I left the hospital weighing less than I did the day that I found out I was pregnant.  I don't have a baby excuse.  Well, I do have a surgery excuse as to why my lower stomach looks so weird, but not for the rest of me.  I didn't have surgery EVERYWHERE.  Maybe it was all those oreos this summer that did me in... or maybe it's this sugar cookie and tea that I'm having for breakfast today.  Something has to give though because nothing fits me and I refuse and I mean that I flat out refuse to get a bigger size.  I've never been bigger than the size I am now.  Never ever ever.  Getting older sucks.  But on the upside, I am eating more salad now and Benjamin loves salad.  It's hilarious.  We went to chickfila yesterday and I ordered a salad for me and some fries for him and he only wanted my lettuce.  He about ate all the lettuce in the salad, which left me with cheese and chicken.  So I ate his fries.

Life

I really have lots of interesting things to say, but I don't have time to post them.  Okay, I should say that I don't have the energy to post them.  Today is a particularly sleepy day.  Up at 4am yesterday, up at 5am today.  Please don't everybody be jealous of my schedule. 

Funny breakfast story

The day after I delivered Ethan, I was waiting on the doctors to come and do their rounds.  They usually arrived bright and early at 5am, but for some reason they were late that morning.  The NICU was closed from 6:30-7:30 and then again from 9-12, so if you missed the window of time in the morning, you had to wait until the afternoon to go and visit.  (They would let you drop milk off though if you were pumping.)  So being the day after surgery, my doctor definitely needed to see me, so I was basically stuck in my room.  He didn't get there until after the window of opportunity to see Ethan closed for the morning, so I was feeling pretty bummed out... so I called and ordered breakfast for the morning and apparently I attempted to make the hospital cafeteria broke as they told me that I couldn't order two different meats, and I just busted out crying on the phone and said fine and that I didn't want anything then.  So I just laid there feeling sorry for myself for a hundred reasons- some completely irrational, but I HAD just been through surgery and a baby that I had barely seen, plus a miserable pregnancy, and etc.  I heard the breakfast cart rolling through the ward, which only made me more miserable because I was starving and I knew nothing was coming for me... but then I heard a knock at the door and someone walked in with a tray.  I was a bit confused considering I told the lady that I didn't want anything, but I figured hey, whatever, I'm hungry.  The nice man sat it down on the table and I almost died from laughing because they seriously brought me every single item on the menu.  Hilarious.  I guess crying on the phone to strangers gets you places in the hospital. 

Pregnancy.

So I'm glad THAT is over.  I can say with every part of my being that I dislike being pregnant.  I dislike the unknowing if your child is really doing okay inside; I dislike gaining 100 lbs; I dislike not being able to do the things that I normally do... and etc.  Now in reality I did not gain 100 lbs, but not being able to cut the grass and stand on ladders really did annoy me a little bit.  I suppose that I don't like limitations with my body and pregnancy does inhibit your activities.

 But the thought of not having more children does make me sad.  And it's not that I physically can't have more children, but rather that I should probably refrain.  There are conflicting studies about long-term maternal side affects of ICP.  Most studies show that there is some risk of liver damage, however minimal... and having to go through that again with two children seems much too overwhelming right now.  Of course it was only for about two months that I was absolutely miserable...

Welcome Ethan Patrick!

Ethan was born on June 16th.  Visit his blog at http://www.ethanpatricksmamma.blogspot.com

I promise to post more when I can!

Baby Baby Gilliland

So I am not intentionally trying to keep anyone out of the loop with the baby.  I really didn't think it would generate so much speculation or concern to be honest!  I do in fact have to deliver early and I am ECSTATIC about that news.  I know most pregnant women are happy to deliver early, but I am especially happy because it means the end to being itchy and miserable.  Of course I want the baby to be healthy, but even if I delivered today at 35 weeks, the chances of the baby having serious complications are pretty small.  So I'll explain the condition and then you'll all be informed and not feel out of the loop. :)

Intrahepatic Cholestatis of Pregnancy (Obstetric Cholestatis):  a rare liver condition that is brought on by pregnancy.  Yes, I had it with Benjamin, but it was diagnosed super late and I was allowed to carry him to term (plus two days to be exact).  The risks are somewhat nonexistent for me, but the risk for the baby could be fatal.  This is obviously the reason why the doctors deliver as soon as the risk for respiratory distress diminishes, which is usually 37 weeks.  If they suspect any other distress from the baby, they deliver immediately regardless of number of weeks gestation.  The classic symptoms are severe itching of the palms and soles of the feet.  It eventually spreads to itching all over and can be quite debilitating for some people.  It was once believed that removing the gallbladder reduced the risk of recurrence with subsequent pregnancies, but this has obviously been debunked in my situation.  (Although I would have had the surgery anyway because gallstones are horrible.)

This time around has been a little easier for me.  Becoming a human pin cushion has not been fun, but that is the only way they can see how your liver is functioning.  My liver enzymes are about ten times greater than normal and the bile salts are above normal, but under the limit in which distress from babies has been noted.  I was prescribed medication that lowers or stunts bile acid accumulation (which is what makes you itch!), and my level is now considered non-emergent.  They still want to deliver early because the bile acid level can triple in a matter of days.  The condition is actually so rare that only two labs in the country are equipped to test the blood and it takes about three days to obtain results. 

Okay, so that's it.  The baby will be okay and I should be fine a couple of days after delivery.  It will be odd having such a small baby though. :)