even more official

So I saw a high risk OB doctor and I am delivering around 36 to 37 weeks.  Sheesh!  I had a feeling this would happen.  The doctor said that I was too calm to have received such bad news.  I suppose sitting around the fretting about it would make it better?  lol... anyway, so I'm going to be a busy bee here for the next couple of weeks.  No, wait, make that months. :) 

And we are still uncertain about names, but we're working on it. 

Round two

So it's back.  Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy.  There are a few websites, but the best one is www.itchymoms.com.  I had some blood work done on Wednesday and the doctor called yesterday and advised me to go to the hospital to get more testing.  Awesome.  I was so miserable the last six weeks when I was pregnant with Benjamin that it is a relief this time to actually have a doctor listen to me and know that I'm not going crazy.  I must admit that I feel a bit robbed of the pleasures of pregnancy and childbirth because of what happened with Benjamin.  Hopefully this time will be better- if nothing else, I will be more prepared for the disappointment than I was last time.  Of course, nothing can be worse than having to labor 31 hours and still end up with a c-section... thousands of miles from home.  So I'm going in this morning to see what they have to say...

card making

Ninety degrees outside yesterday.  Sheesh, that is hot for this big old belly.  The bigger I get, the more my body tells me to ssssssssssssssssslow down, which is actually quite difficult for me to do, but I am trying.  My thoughts of doing more work during the day was rather counter-productive when I was absolutely miserable by 5pm, so I'm learning to take it easier.  So on this hot, hot day, Benjamin and I took a trip over to Michael's and bought some card making supplies and made some cards together.  He pretty much just sat there and played with the glue stick, but hey, he was content and was very cute trying to smell the fake flowers.  I've never made cards before and found that it was much like scrapbooking... which I've never done before either.  Main reason for that is time constraint and the fact that we seldom print out pictures.  I thought that they all turned out adorable, but this craft is definitely not a cheap alternative to buying cards.  Actually, I find that most crafts aren't cheaper than purchasing the item, but I like to pretend that I can craft.  I pretty much can half-do any craft out there.  Not near good enough to sell, but good enough to make me happy while doing it. 


They all follow the same theme because it was just easier for me since it was my first batch of them.  And besides, they are all going to different people and I doubt these people are going to have a little party comparing my thank you cards to each other. :)

You're going to do great things, I already know.

So it's 3am and I'm awake. Pregnant people are frequently awake in the middle of the night towards the end.  I think it's God's way to preparing of us for the inevitable sleep deprivation that will incur in the weeks (aka years) after the baby is born.  I was laying in bed and I looked at the clock and it was 3:02 and I thought of the song "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets.  And yes, I totally had to google the band name.  I've never been great with remembering band names.  This song isn't intended to be a song to your unborn child, but when you're pregnant, everything is about your unborn child or your children.  That's just the way it works with all the crazy hormones going on in your body.  I got weepy over a dead baby bird in the backyard just two days ago.  (It really was sad though.)  So here are some the lyrics: 

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

I think my favorite verse is "you're going to do great things, I already know".  Totally true.  You never really know how much you can love an individual until you have your own children.  The same can be said about how much you were loved yourselves until you have your own children. 

Baby-Baby Gilliland

So this not knowing business is getting a bit old.  Warren says it's the most exciting thing he's ever been though (which I think is just adorable), but it is making me a little bit nervous.  Anxious maybe.  Nervous is a bit too strong.  Maybe if we could just come up with a name for a girl and a name for a boy I'd be more content.  Actually, I can narrow that down even further- just ONE name for either a girl or a boy would be great.  Having to come up with two names at once is proving to be too hard.  My mind starts to wander here and there when I start to sit and think about it.  I've looked at books.  I laughed at people who looked at baby name books when I was pregnant with Benjamin.  I kept thinking don't people just know what they want to name their child?  I mean really.  And now I am one of them.  Oh well, I'll keep reading.  Surely we can agree on a name before I have to be sedated.  Thaddeus is starting to sound good these days.

Smiling, finally.

This being Easter weekend, I thought this post would be truly appropriate. This post is primarily meant for facebook since everybody knows that if it's not posted on fb, it's doesn't mean anything.  haha. 

I am blessed with optimism.  Most situations in my life really are viewed as half-full.  I can't say with all certainty that I've always been this optimistic, but I can't recall a time in my life where I've consistently viewed things as half-empty.  Having known several people the complete opposite, I view this attitude as a blessing indeed.  Maybe there is a verse for optimism that someone would like to share on here. 

Having said above statement, I will be honest and say that I have not been completely thankful or optimistic for this pregnancy.  This might come as a shock to some of you, and maybe not so much of a shock to others.  Today being Easter, the church was packed full of people singing "Hosanna" by Hillsong.  I've heard this song probably 200 times in all seriousness, but the lyric "show me how to love like you have loved me" struck a chord in my heart today.  As the rest of the congregation was singing the remainder of the song, I stood there and thought about what that lyric meant and why I was supposed to hear it and remain still in God at that moment.  I am one of those people who truly believes that everything happens for a reason, so I tend to listen when I get such a calling. 

This line of "show me how to love like you have loved me" is in all actuality a prayer, or in my case, a wake-up call.  I have not loved this unborn child as Christ loved me.  Not even remotely.  I have almost been ambivalent about the whole situation.  (May I just say that Warren, blessed man, has been excited for the both of us since day 1.)  We weren't planning on having another child for at least a few more years, so I think most of this attitude comes from me being a tad bit upset that this happened to Benjamin.  Yes, you read that right, I said to Benjamin.  Part of me was upset that I wouldn't be enough for him and how could I have let this happen?  I almost felt guilty for being able to get pregnant when I didn't even want it to happen. 

So today at approximately 11:00am, God showed me again who was in control and that I deserve to be happy for this baby!  This baby deserves a place in this family that is completely his/her own without my parenting issues hovering around it.  After understanding why I was supposed to hear that verse today, I found myself smiling, finally. 

Very pregnant

So it seems as if I've found myself pregnant.  Now of course I have known this since October, but all of a sudden I look pregnant.  Strangers can now tell, so that makes it a bit more real to me.  My bigger shirts are now getting to be a little too short and I only have one pair of regular pants I can comfortably wear.  I feel as big as a house to be honest and this makes me chuckle because I know I am going to double in size very quickly.  I was telling Warren last night that pregnancy seems short sometimes and he laughed.  Like laughed out loud at that statement.  Not just lol without meaning.   Of course since it's real life there was no actual lol comment.  :) And really what I mean by short is it seems when you get towards the end you really run out of time to get things accomplished.  You don't buy much until you're about my stage or later because of the fear of miscarriage, either substantiated or not.  If you get much past my stage you don't really want to shop and putting together a new stroller seems like brain surgery.  I don't remember being this tired with Benjamin, but I was "only" working then and not chasing around a 3 year old.  Seems like my house was quite a bit messier, too.  I think being a SAHM makes me a tidier person in general.  When I worked full-time I didn't seem to care if things were out of order, but it drives me a little crazy now.... and I do far more work at home than I ever did working.  I remember being able to take breaks at work.  Breaks that were just for me and were uninterrupted... and I remembering being able to pee uninterrupted, too.  Okay, different story for a different time perhaps. :) 

Anyway, so the whole point to this post was that I am showing for sure and I can feel my stance widening, so I'm sure that the waddling will start soon.