Who comes first?

 Dedicated to my friends and family, some of whom may not always receive the best of me. 


Sometimes, and I know this may be hard to believe, but sometimes, I have a difficult time saying no.  Or more times than not, I offer things that I don't necessarily have because I don't like to see people in need.  Or perhaps I've been through similar experiences myself and I don't like to see people go through the same things alone.  (Also, I am terrible about asking for help, or even accepting help from others.  It's sick.) And most of what I'm talking about is centered around my time.  Have you met my two needy children?  Just thinking about what my house looks like since Ethan has been born makes my blood pressure go up a little.  Whining is not part of my normal routine, so I'll spare you the exact details of life with a special needs child, but if you don't have one, you really can't comprehend it.  I can't even describe how much time is invested in preparing for their day to day life, their future, or even their long term future.  We have to read books about five, ten, and fifteen years down the road all while they're toddlers.  I'm not kidding.  Anyway, enough of that, that isn't what I'm talking about tonight. 

What I'm trying to say is that sometimes I over extend myself greatly and to the detriment of my friends and most importantly, to my family.  Nobody asks me to do some of the silly things that I do that absorb so much of my time.  These time suckers have to go!  I had a terrible moment of weakness today and I just snapped, and honestly, it wasn't at all about the person, but 100% about myself.  Dumb things that you say out of the moment just aren't worth saying.  Who feels better in the end?  No one.  I was a dumb friend and I felt so horrible that I burned dinner (and I never burn food!), and I wanted to shrivel up in a hole and die. 

After a few hours and I still felt awful, it occurred to me that I spent more time feeling awful about what I said to a friend than I've ever felt after I've said something awful to my husband.  Really.  This epiphany really has changed my life.  Sometimes it doesn't take much time to really change your perspective on things.  I probably say five mean-ish things to him a day (and most of this is just sarcastic stuff, but really that's just being mean in a somewhat funny way) and don't spend a minute feeling remorse for it.  Now, don't misunderstand me, it isn't as if I'm deliberately saying mean things to him.  It's how I speak to him on a normal basis that concerns me the most.  And most of that is because I'm overextended!  What's left for my family after all my obligations are completed?  And if I'm honest, half of them are never completed, which makes me crazier and crazier. 

So, dear friends and family, if I must decline an invitation, or a helping hand, just know that it isn't personal and I'm not being hateful. :)
 
My family comes first from here on out.  My family.