Passing by

So sometimes I feel like my life is just passing me by. It is as if I have blinked and there went the entire Summer. I know we moved somewhere in there. Wait, I think that was actually Fall when we did that. I am so tired of being in survival mode. I am siting here typing this while I am waiting for Benjamin to fall asleep. Thank God for my iPhone. Sometimes I seriously think that I would fall off the planet without it and there are times when I wonder if anyone besides my family would really notice. I don't really mean that of course. I am just tired of being tired. I miss my old house. Or what I really miss is my routine that I associate with my old house. Bp misses his awesome swingset. I miss watching him play on it. I miss being outside. I feel like we are always on the go, always in the car, or always "just waiting for the baby to wake up, go to sleep, etc" so we can have fun. Thank God Bp loves Ethan because otherwise I think he just might hate him simply because of how much has changed in his life since E has been born. And thank God that he is a happy baby! I know that this will pass, and again, all I am saying is that I am tired of being in survival mode. I miss my life, my husband, and time!

unconditional love

Wouldn't it be awesome if we could love ourselves and other people as innocently as children love?  Children love their toys with their whole heart.  They don't care if their toys are scratched, messy, or torn.  When I say that I have the sweetest child on Earth, I'm not biased at all because it's the truth.  No really, let me give you an example:

We went to Michael's yesterday and I looked pretty horrible.  My hair hadn't been washed in days, but I didn't have the time to wash it before we went.  Ethan had just eaten, so we had to go ahead and run out there and do a few errands so I'd make it back home before it was time for him to eat again.  Or so I thought.  We were getting ready to check out and he just started screaming, which is really unusual for him.  The place was packed and the lines were long.  (No idea why everybody in Hampton Roads decided to go to Michael's on a Tuesday morning.)  So of course everybody starts looking at us and Benjamin starts laughing, which is really unusual for him.  He puts his hands on either side of my cheeks and gives me a kiss and says "Mommy, you're beautiful."  I kid you not, this is what he does. 

He still thinks that I'm beautiful with dirty hair, spit up on my shirt, and pants that are a little too tight in the seat. 

Solidifying my size

So I really do want to lose this weird stomach shelf thing I have going on.  I have been talking about it for weeks now, but really, I'm serious this time.  I am going to have to buy all new pants this winter if I don't lose at least 5 pounds.  And don't give me the whole "you had a baby" excuse.  I left the hospital weighing less than I did the day that I found out I was pregnant.  I don't have a baby excuse.  Well, I do have a surgery excuse as to why my lower stomach looks so weird, but not for the rest of me.  I didn't have surgery EVERYWHERE.  Maybe it was all those oreos this summer that did me in... or maybe it's this sugar cookie and tea that I'm having for breakfast today.  Something has to give though because nothing fits me and I refuse and I mean that I flat out refuse to get a bigger size.  I've never been bigger than the size I am now.  Never ever ever.  Getting older sucks.  But on the upside, I am eating more salad now and Benjamin loves salad.  It's hilarious.  We went to chickfila yesterday and I ordered a salad for me and some fries for him and he only wanted my lettuce.  He about ate all the lettuce in the salad, which left me with cheese and chicken.  So I ate his fries.

Life

I really have lots of interesting things to say, but I don't have time to post them.  Okay, I should say that I don't have the energy to post them.  Today is a particularly sleepy day.  Up at 4am yesterday, up at 5am today.  Please don't everybody be jealous of my schedule. 

Funny breakfast story

The day after I delivered Ethan, I was waiting on the doctors to come and do their rounds.  They usually arrived bright and early at 5am, but for some reason they were late that morning.  The NICU was closed from 6:30-7:30 and then again from 9-12, so if you missed the window of time in the morning, you had to wait until the afternoon to go and visit.  (They would let you drop milk off though if you were pumping.)  So being the day after surgery, my doctor definitely needed to see me, so I was basically stuck in my room.  He didn't get there until after the window of opportunity to see Ethan closed for the morning, so I was feeling pretty bummed out... so I called and ordered breakfast for the morning and apparently I attempted to make the hospital cafeteria broke as they told me that I couldn't order two different meats, and I just busted out crying on the phone and said fine and that I didn't want anything then.  So I just laid there feeling sorry for myself for a hundred reasons- some completely irrational, but I HAD just been through surgery and a baby that I had barely seen, plus a miserable pregnancy, and etc.  I heard the breakfast cart rolling through the ward, which only made me more miserable because I was starving and I knew nothing was coming for me... but then I heard a knock at the door and someone walked in with a tray.  I was a bit confused considering I told the lady that I didn't want anything, but I figured hey, whatever, I'm hungry.  The nice man sat it down on the table and I almost died from laughing because they seriously brought me every single item on the menu.  Hilarious.  I guess crying on the phone to strangers gets you places in the hospital. 

Pregnancy.

So I'm glad THAT is over.  I can say with every part of my being that I dislike being pregnant.  I dislike the unknowing if your child is really doing okay inside; I dislike gaining 100 lbs; I dislike not being able to do the things that I normally do... and etc.  Now in reality I did not gain 100 lbs, but not being able to cut the grass and stand on ladders really did annoy me a little bit.  I suppose that I don't like limitations with my body and pregnancy does inhibit your activities.

 But the thought of not having more children does make me sad.  And it's not that I physically can't have more children, but rather that I should probably refrain.  There are conflicting studies about long-term maternal side affects of ICP.  Most studies show that there is some risk of liver damage, however minimal... and having to go through that again with two children seems much too overwhelming right now.  Of course it was only for about two months that I was absolutely miserable...

Welcome Ethan Patrick!

Ethan was born on June 16th.  Visit his blog at http://www.ethanpatricksmamma.blogspot.com

I promise to post more when I can!

Baby Baby Gilliland

So I am not intentionally trying to keep anyone out of the loop with the baby.  I really didn't think it would generate so much speculation or concern to be honest!  I do in fact have to deliver early and I am ECSTATIC about that news.  I know most pregnant women are happy to deliver early, but I am especially happy because it means the end to being itchy and miserable.  Of course I want the baby to be healthy, but even if I delivered today at 35 weeks, the chances of the baby having serious complications are pretty small.  So I'll explain the condition and then you'll all be informed and not feel out of the loop. :)

Intrahepatic Cholestatis of Pregnancy (Obstetric Cholestatis):  a rare liver condition that is brought on by pregnancy.  Yes, I had it with Benjamin, but it was diagnosed super late and I was allowed to carry him to term (plus two days to be exact).  The risks are somewhat nonexistent for me, but the risk for the baby could be fatal.  This is obviously the reason why the doctors deliver as soon as the risk for respiratory distress diminishes, which is usually 37 weeks.  If they suspect any other distress from the baby, they deliver immediately regardless of number of weeks gestation.  The classic symptoms are severe itching of the palms and soles of the feet.  It eventually spreads to itching all over and can be quite debilitating for some people.  It was once believed that removing the gallbladder reduced the risk of recurrence with subsequent pregnancies, but this has obviously been debunked in my situation.  (Although I would have had the surgery anyway because gallstones are horrible.)

This time around has been a little easier for me.  Becoming a human pin cushion has not been fun, but that is the only way they can see how your liver is functioning.  My liver enzymes are about ten times greater than normal and the bile salts are above normal, but under the limit in which distress from babies has been noted.  I was prescribed medication that lowers or stunts bile acid accumulation (which is what makes you itch!), and my level is now considered non-emergent.  They still want to deliver early because the bile acid level can triple in a matter of days.  The condition is actually so rare that only two labs in the country are equipped to test the blood and it takes about three days to obtain results. 

Okay, so that's it.  The baby will be okay and I should be fine a couple of days after delivery.  It will be odd having such a small baby though. :)

even more official

So I saw a high risk OB doctor and I am delivering around 36 to 37 weeks.  Sheesh!  I had a feeling this would happen.  The doctor said that I was too calm to have received such bad news.  I suppose sitting around the fretting about it would make it better?  lol... anyway, so I'm going to be a busy bee here for the next couple of weeks.  No, wait, make that months. :) 

And we are still uncertain about names, but we're working on it. 

Round two

So it's back.  Intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy.  There are a few websites, but the best one is www.itchymoms.com.  I had some blood work done on Wednesday and the doctor called yesterday and advised me to go to the hospital to get more testing.  Awesome.  I was so miserable the last six weeks when I was pregnant with Benjamin that it is a relief this time to actually have a doctor listen to me and know that I'm not going crazy.  I must admit that I feel a bit robbed of the pleasures of pregnancy and childbirth because of what happened with Benjamin.  Hopefully this time will be better- if nothing else, I will be more prepared for the disappointment than I was last time.  Of course, nothing can be worse than having to labor 31 hours and still end up with a c-section... thousands of miles from home.  So I'm going in this morning to see what they have to say...

card making

Ninety degrees outside yesterday.  Sheesh, that is hot for this big old belly.  The bigger I get, the more my body tells me to ssssssssssssssssslow down, which is actually quite difficult for me to do, but I am trying.  My thoughts of doing more work during the day was rather counter-productive when I was absolutely miserable by 5pm, so I'm learning to take it easier.  So on this hot, hot day, Benjamin and I took a trip over to Michael's and bought some card making supplies and made some cards together.  He pretty much just sat there and played with the glue stick, but hey, he was content and was very cute trying to smell the fake flowers.  I've never made cards before and found that it was much like scrapbooking... which I've never done before either.  Main reason for that is time constraint and the fact that we seldom print out pictures.  I thought that they all turned out adorable, but this craft is definitely not a cheap alternative to buying cards.  Actually, I find that most crafts aren't cheaper than purchasing the item, but I like to pretend that I can craft.  I pretty much can half-do any craft out there.  Not near good enough to sell, but good enough to make me happy while doing it. 


They all follow the same theme because it was just easier for me since it was my first batch of them.  And besides, they are all going to different people and I doubt these people are going to have a little party comparing my thank you cards to each other. :)

You're going to do great things, I already know.

So it's 3am and I'm awake. Pregnant people are frequently awake in the middle of the night towards the end.  I think it's God's way to preparing of us for the inevitable sleep deprivation that will incur in the weeks (aka years) after the baby is born.  I was laying in bed and I looked at the clock and it was 3:02 and I thought of the song "The Words I Would Say" by Sidewalk Prophets.  And yes, I totally had to google the band name.  I've never been great with remembering band names.  This song isn't intended to be a song to your unborn child, but when you're pregnant, everything is about your unborn child or your children.  That's just the way it works with all the crazy hormones going on in your body.  I got weepy over a dead baby bird in the backyard just two days ago.  (It really was sad though.)  So here are some the lyrics: 

Three in the morning,
And I'm still awake,
So I picked up a pen and a page,
And I started writing,
Just what I'd say,
If we were face to face,
I'd tell you just what you mean to me,
I'd tell you these simple truths,

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say,

I think my favorite verse is "you're going to do great things, I already know".  Totally true.  You never really know how much you can love an individual until you have your own children.  The same can be said about how much you were loved yourselves until you have your own children. 

Baby-Baby Gilliland

So this not knowing business is getting a bit old.  Warren says it's the most exciting thing he's ever been though (which I think is just adorable), but it is making me a little bit nervous.  Anxious maybe.  Nervous is a bit too strong.  Maybe if we could just come up with a name for a girl and a name for a boy I'd be more content.  Actually, I can narrow that down even further- just ONE name for either a girl or a boy would be great.  Having to come up with two names at once is proving to be too hard.  My mind starts to wander here and there when I start to sit and think about it.  I've looked at books.  I laughed at people who looked at baby name books when I was pregnant with Benjamin.  I kept thinking don't people just know what they want to name their child?  I mean really.  And now I am one of them.  Oh well, I'll keep reading.  Surely we can agree on a name before I have to be sedated.  Thaddeus is starting to sound good these days.

Smiling, finally.

This being Easter weekend, I thought this post would be truly appropriate. This post is primarily meant for facebook since everybody knows that if it's not posted on fb, it's doesn't mean anything.  haha. 

I am blessed with optimism.  Most situations in my life really are viewed as half-full.  I can't say with all certainty that I've always been this optimistic, but I can't recall a time in my life where I've consistently viewed things as half-empty.  Having known several people the complete opposite, I view this attitude as a blessing indeed.  Maybe there is a verse for optimism that someone would like to share on here. 

Having said above statement, I will be honest and say that I have not been completely thankful or optimistic for this pregnancy.  This might come as a shock to some of you, and maybe not so much of a shock to others.  Today being Easter, the church was packed full of people singing "Hosanna" by Hillsong.  I've heard this song probably 200 times in all seriousness, but the lyric "show me how to love like you have loved me" struck a chord in my heart today.  As the rest of the congregation was singing the remainder of the song, I stood there and thought about what that lyric meant and why I was supposed to hear it and remain still in God at that moment.  I am one of those people who truly believes that everything happens for a reason, so I tend to listen when I get such a calling. 

This line of "show me how to love like you have loved me" is in all actuality a prayer, or in my case, a wake-up call.  I have not loved this unborn child as Christ loved me.  Not even remotely.  I have almost been ambivalent about the whole situation.  (May I just say that Warren, blessed man, has been excited for the both of us since day 1.)  We weren't planning on having another child for at least a few more years, so I think most of this attitude comes from me being a tad bit upset that this happened to Benjamin.  Yes, you read that right, I said to Benjamin.  Part of me was upset that I wouldn't be enough for him and how could I have let this happen?  I almost felt guilty for being able to get pregnant when I didn't even want it to happen. 

So today at approximately 11:00am, God showed me again who was in control and that I deserve to be happy for this baby!  This baby deserves a place in this family that is completely his/her own without my parenting issues hovering around it.  After understanding why I was supposed to hear that verse today, I found myself smiling, finally. 

Very pregnant

So it seems as if I've found myself pregnant.  Now of course I have known this since October, but all of a sudden I look pregnant.  Strangers can now tell, so that makes it a bit more real to me.  My bigger shirts are now getting to be a little too short and I only have one pair of regular pants I can comfortably wear.  I feel as big as a house to be honest and this makes me chuckle because I know I am going to double in size very quickly.  I was telling Warren last night that pregnancy seems short sometimes and he laughed.  Like laughed out loud at that statement.  Not just lol without meaning.   Of course since it's real life there was no actual lol comment.  :) And really what I mean by short is it seems when you get towards the end you really run out of time to get things accomplished.  You don't buy much until you're about my stage or later because of the fear of miscarriage, either substantiated or not.  If you get much past my stage you don't really want to shop and putting together a new stroller seems like brain surgery.  I don't remember being this tired with Benjamin, but I was "only" working then and not chasing around a 3 year old.  Seems like my house was quite a bit messier, too.  I think being a SAHM makes me a tidier person in general.  When I worked full-time I didn't seem to care if things were out of order, but it drives me a little crazy now.... and I do far more work at home than I ever did working.  I remember being able to take breaks at work.  Breaks that were just for me and were uninterrupted... and I remembering being able to pee uninterrupted, too.  Okay, different story for a different time perhaps. :) 

Anyway, so the whole point to this post was that I am showing for sure and I can feel my stance widening, so I'm sure that the waddling will start soon. 

Ultrasound

So the mystery of the baby's gender has been easier to deal with than I had imagined it to be.  I think it is because I am simply too busy to fret about it very much.  Most of you have heard me say that you get what you get, and I truly believe that in that statement.  My life will go this way if we have a girl and that way if we have a boy, but life does continue to go on either way and it will most definitely change regardless if we have pink bedding or blue bedding.  We truly will be blessed either way and it has been fun not knowing.  Maybe I will get a little more anxious towards the end, we'll see.  

Warren thinks that we are having another boy, but I keep telling him that he has rather good odds considering the number of outcomes. :) 

Brain atrophy

Do you ever feel like your brain is slowly wasting away?  As it if had atrophy?  Sometimes I truly believe this is happening to me.  Really!  I can recall times when I felt genuinely smarter than I do right now.  My vocabulary was greater, I remembered how to spell words, and did not second guess myself on diction and sentence structure.  There are people in this world (Warren) who remember most of what they learn and there are people who lose skills from not using them (me).  I can be quite studious when taking classes and score rather well, but I will not remember anything that I've learned unless I use those learned skills.  My sister barely pays attention in any class and still remembers everything.  I'm not sure exactly how that makes any sense.  Sometimes I think the theory of osmosis really works in her case because she falls asleep reading all the time.

And on to reading!  I used to read all the time.  Really.  I know it's strange sounding now.  I read the same books over and over in high school and still enjoyed them.  I read the books that I was supposed to read in college and enjoyed them, too.  No idea where that part of me went, but I rarely read anything for pleasure anymore.  I can't even remember the last book that I read purely for pleasure.  We had a game at church the other day and my question was "What is your favorite book", and the only books that popped into my head were books on autism or child-rearing for special needs children.  Seriously, in what world would those be considered a favorite book?  Those are mainly educational.  Now I could have said the Bible, but honestly, that kind of answer seems trite in church and not really realistic.  I would categorize that as more educational as well.  So much of me seems absorbed by gaining information that I seem to be losing information.  Does that make any sense at all?  It sometimes feels like my brain just can not hold any more information, so it decides to "brain dump" bits and pieces of knowledge along the way in order to make room for more.  If I could just learn to purge my brain of all useless knowledge... that would be fantastic. :)

baby bell pepper

Babycenter is such a wonderful invention to mothers who already have at least one child.  Before Benjamin was born, I used to paw over baby books and knew everything that was happening every week/month.  It was all so interesting!  It is still interesting, but I just don't have the time/energy to devote to reading about babies.  Babycenter will gladly send you an email (or ten) a day if you sign up, and some of them are very informational.  For instance, today I read that my baby is about the size of a bell pepper all tucked up.  Isn't that adorable?  Baby Bell.  We haven't come up with names yet, but I think that Bella is a cute name.  Too bad it's already the name of a pet in our family.  I doubt that Warren would go for that sort of thing anyway for a little boy since he is determined that is what we're having.  Not knowing is sort of fun, really.  

It just isn't the same

I find myself checking my email 8,000 times a day.  8 something or other is usually my big number.  You know, the number that you say when you're stressing a point about how big something is, or how much something costs.  "If that house didn't cost 8 million dollars, I'd buy it."  That of course is just an example because I wouldn't even be allowed in a neighborhood that had houses of that caliber in it.  Not in Virginia anyway.  8 million dollars in California gets you a very nice condo, however.  They might let me at least look at the pictures of it.  Anyway, so email is a nice alternative to actually speaking, but it just isn't the same.


So Benjamin and I were very spoiled in 2009 for a Navy family.  Warren was home nearly every single night- actually, he was home every single night except for the month of January and even then he was only gone for four days.  I wouldn't say that year was an easy year for him work-wise, but he was home at night.  Maybe not home to eat dinner at a reasonable hour every night, but he was home.  I find myself wanting to tell him things all day long lately.  Texting is the joy of modern day technology.  Got something you want to say, but doesn't warrant a telephone call?  Text it!  That should be my new motto in life, I think.  Warren's phone will not receive texts in Haiti.  Oh yeah, he's in Haiti in case you didn't already know.  I find myself picking up my phone wanting to text him when I'm out taking Benjamin to school or running errands and something funny has happened.  Texting is another great alternative to speaking when you have the option, but it just isn't the same. 

So we sit and wait and try not to get sad because there are literally thousands of people in worse situations than what we currently have.  I mean really.  We have a house, we have two cars (paid for, woot woot!), and we have so much food it's probably sinful at times.  It's hard not to get sad though when Benjamin looks at a picture of Warren and says, "Daddy work.".  Benjamin never said that before Warren left because he just expected his Daddy to come home every night. 

It just isn't the same around here.

It's over.

I'm done complaining about how my house does not have a dishwasher. This is my biggest pet peeve about his house, but now it's over.  And no, I'm not moving just yet.

I have a window right above my sink and it overlooks my plum tree and a big wisteria bush with a flower box surrounding it.  We didn't know this house had a plum tree in the yard when chose to rent it.  Actually, it has a pecan tree, a pear tree, and a plum tree.  So this flower box surrounding the bush outside isn't spectacular or anything, but it will pretty much grow anything that you decide to throw in the ground.  Part of the area gets full sun and part of it gets shade because of the size of the wisteria bush and the plum tree, so quite a variety of plants will thrive in this box.  Of course everything is quite dismal out there right now since it is winter, but in a few weeks, this area will be rainbow of colors.  About two weeks ago when it was absolutely freezing here, I looked out the window while I was washing dishes and saw a bluejay and a cardinal perched on the wisteria bush.  This isn't necessarily uncommon since we do have a bird feeder nearby. 

I love flowers, plums, and pretty birds- all of which I would have missed if I had dishwasher.  People with dishwashers don't normally just stand in front of their windows and stare outside.  The resources for finding joy in such a mundane task have been with me all along, I've just been too busy complaining to notice.  So that's why I say it's over.  My complaining is over.  About the dish washing, at least. :)